Giuliani's 12 Points... for Failure

Huffington Post
Matt Ortega
Giuliani's 12 Points... for Failure

Earlier today, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani sent out a plea to supporters with "12 commitments" that aren't worth the paper its printed -- er, pixels in cyberspace.

Rudy Giuliani: Strengthening America's Image Around the World One Waterboard at a Time.Giuliani does his usual "when I was mayor of New York" shtick and dives right into the deep end of rhetorical nonsense. For instance, take the second paragraph of the e-mail:

Many of the things I did as Mayor of New York City are transferable to what America needs now. That's why today I announced my 12 commitments to you, the American people. These commitments are intended to lift our vision from the rear view mirror to the road ahead of us -- the future.

BREAKING NEWS: RUDY GIULIANI TO ABANDON ENTIRE CAMPAIGN PLATFORM

For the life of me, I don't know how we can "lift our vision from the rear view mirror" when Giuliani's entire candidacy is built upon his role -- albeit a revisionist version of it -- in the September 11 attacks and openly exploits the tragedy. Hell, even the brief back story on his wife, Judy, explicitly cites 9/11.

1. I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists' War on Us.

Rudy has been using the "Terrorists' War on Us" phrase a lot in recent weeks but doesn't that phrase imply that it is the terrorists that are on offense and we're playing defense?

2. I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.

Now that's an ambitious plan completely lacking in substance. Hey look, I can throw around vague statements, too! "I will end global warming."

Seriously, how do you plan on ending illegal immigration? Just curious. How do you propose securing our borders? With technology? National Guard? Minutemen? Rudy on horseback?

Also, how do you propose identifying every non-citizen in the U.S.? Surely you will get a few Mexican-Americans mixed in there by accident. Will those bar codes be branded on our necks or our foreheads? Again, just curious.

3. I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful spending in Washington.

Yeah! He will show them just like he showed those spiteful bastard factinistas -- the education system -- in New York City!

4. I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.

"... but I won't sign a tax pledge. Just trust me."

5. I will impose accountability in Washington.

Rudy, with an iron fist, will make sure only his criminal buddies make out like bandits.

6. I will lead America toward energy independence.

By tapping his former client base in Saudi Arabia and lobbying for Venezuelan oil firm, Citgo?

7. I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free-market solutions.

Last week at the Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire, Giuliani 'lifted his rear view mirror vision' on healthcare for the road ahead. Shorter Rudy: "If you loved the Bush healthcare plan in 2005, you will love Rudy in 2009."

8. I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.

When he says he will decrease the number of abortions, does this mean he would turn the country away from the failure that is abstinence-only sex education championed by the current administration?

9. I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.

Well, the next president will have to reform the legal system. Under the current administration, the entire judicial process has been corrupted to the core. (Yet right-wingers are only concerned with the "injustice" that is "Scooter" Libby's pending incarceration. Free "Scooter"!)

And we all know Giuliani's knack for federal appointees...

10. I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.

Second time's the charm, ey Rudy?

11. I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.

There ain't many choices to choose from if you implode one of them.

12. I will expand America's involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.

Rudy Giuliani: Strengthening America's Image One Waterboarding at a Time.